10 Ways To Create Lasting Love
Since I’m getting married next month and it’s about time to write my vows anyway, I thought I’d put together a top 10 list of what it takes to make love last as a couple.
I don’t pretend to be an expert in this area (my mother is the marriage and family therapist in the family) but Suzy and I have been together for almost 7 years now and in that time I’ve learned a thing or two about keeping love, passion, and romance alive in our relationship.
This is not meant to be an exhaustive list on the subject. If history proves anything it is that all of mankind has a lot to learn about love and human relations. These are the things that have worked for me and my fiance.
Please feel free to add your own insights to the list in the comment section below.
10 Ways To Create Lasting Love In Your Relationship
1. Listen fully (give the other person your full attention and respect)
2. Compromise (always seek for both partners to win)
3. Make decisions out of love (not fear)
4. Share everything (no secrets, no off-limit areas)
5. Give thanks every day for having love in your life
6. Clearly assign areas of authority (who does what)
7. Ask “how can I be a better husband / wife?”
8. Match and mirror (be the reflection of their inner self)
9. Love them just the way they are (the only thing you should seek to improve about your partner is your perception of them)
10. Find ways to say and show “I love you” every day
1. Listen fully (give the other person your full attention and respect)
The highest compliment we can pay another person is to give them our undivided attention. When women say “my husband / boyfriend doesn’t listen” we men tend to rattle off a point by point list of everything they just said to prove them wrong. Real listening is about hearing not just the words but the spaces between them, the person saying them, and the emotional intention behind them.
2. Compromise (always seek for both partners to win)
I know people who have a “my way or the high way” attitude. That doesn’t work in business and it doesn’t work in relationships either. Love means making sure that both parties win. Loving yourself means never playing the victim and loving the other person means never victimizing them. A little compromise can go a long way to making sure that both parties can feel fulfilled in every situation.
3. Make decisions out of love (not fear)
“What if” thinking has no place in a loving relationship. Rather think “what else” or “what can be” which opens up possibilities and opportunities unfettered by fear. Life should be an exciting adventure and love is the light that can lead the way.
4. Share everything (no secrets, no off-limit areas)
In some cultures the men do not share many areas of their lives with their spouses. For instance business, politics, and finances are kept separate and the women are locked out. If marriage is about two lives becoming one then there should be no off limit areas. Share everything and welcome your spouse as a true partner in life.
5. Give thanks every day for having love in your life
Appreciation is the water that makes love grow. Give thanks for having your loved one in your life and make that attitude manifest in everything you do. Don’t hide it in a silent prayer. Shout it from the rooftops “I am so lucky to have found the man/woman of my dreams!”
6. Clearly assign areas of authority (who does what)
Whether you believe in traditional gender roles or not, make sure you clearly delineate who is in charge of what in your relationship. It will make it easier to live, laugh, and love together and save you much grief later on.
7. Ask “how can I be a better husband / wife?”
The eternal question that men always wonder is “what do women want?”. Here’s an idea: how about simply asking them. When is the last time you asked our spouse how you can be a better husband, wife, or lover? I’ll bet they’ll have a few good ideas at the ready. And you’ll get the chance to bring more pleasure to your partner as well.
8. Match and mirror (be the reflection of their inner self)
As a hypnotist I know how to subliminally create rapport, This is a very powerful way to become a refection of your lover’s inner self. For instance, Suzy is from Lebanon and English is her third language. Instead of correcting her English (like every other American seems inclined to do) I parrot it back to her. She says “sounds like” when she means “looks like” so I adopt that language pattern. She uses hand gestures that are unusual in America so I use them when I am with her too. By matching and mirroring her language and behaviors I become a subconscious extension of her inner self. Witty repartee is not true communication. It’s the connection that counts.
9. Love them just the way they are (the only thing you should seek to improve about your partner is your perception of them)
We cannot ever change another person. The best we can hope to be is the living representation of whatever behavior or ideal we wish to see. Lead by example. Love your partner enough to find pleasure in their imperfections and seek to change only yourself.
10. Find ways to say and show “I love you” every day
It’s not enough to know it. You must seek out ways to show it. Let them know how much you love them each and every day.
Comments are now closed. Here is what was submitted:
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dan |
Submitted on 2009/07/22 at 2:21pm good advice man, took a long time for me to realize even half of those. have fun getting married!
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Margaret Wisler |
Submitted on 2009/07/22 at 5:05pm After a4 yrs. my first marriage failed due to us both being too young and imature to start with. I will be married 35 yrs. to Jim, and what a blessing these years have been. He helped me raise 3 wonderful children and we now enjoy 6 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren. Must of your advice we have practiced through the years and still learn and grow daily now e are both almost 70 yrs. old. We wish the same for you and Suzy and all the folks who have read your wonderful article.
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Grace |
Submitted on 2009/07/22 at 9:42pm I wish more people would put their pride aside and take the kind of advice you offer. It only makes sense that people in love would want to do their personal best. Sadly, too many people marry for the wrong reasons, and think that they are going to be able to mold someone into something they never were. I agree with everything you’ve written. I would also like to add that it is important for a husband to make his wife his priority, and a wife to make her husband her priority. I’ve seen too many people cleave unto the wrong persons or things when they should be commiting themselves to their spouse. My favourite bit of advice that you’ve offere is #9. I’ve never liked the attitude that some people have when it comes to marriage. Too many people think “the M word” will sour a relationship because the one they supposedly love magically turns into a monster right at “I do.” I also think a good sense of humor goes a long way…or at least a sense of humor that compliments eachother. My hubby and I have been married for just over 8 wonderful years (and we have 4 beautiful children so far), and we know we have the rest of forever to enjoy it that much more CONGRATS to you and your bride! There had better be pictures of the big day to share with us
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Terri Metules |
Submitted on 2009/07/26 at 5:44pm Can we clone you? These words are great and I’d like to share these with my readers! Many of them live with mistaken love, and have no idea what Suzy and you have. Nor would they know what it feels like to live with mutual respect. My blessings to both of you and for setting an example for those who may not know there is a path to creating lasting love. PS we’re still under development. I’ll drop you an email when we’re up and running! |
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